#once again this was the most lovely project ive been a part of

[applestruda]

My scenes and costuming works for the lovely @scarland-artbook

[wilcze-kudly]

Sure we can rag on Bolin for not realising he joined the Earth Kingdom equivalent of the Nazi party and call him an idiot for it (deserved) but honestly I can't really fault him for it?

Like the ostrich effect is a thing and we are watching it in full effect here. We've seen that Bolin is a character that deals very poorly with conflict. Like it's super obvious he'd avoid standing up to Kuvira as much as he could.

One of Bolin's biggest hurdles as a character is that he is looking for a purpose, the rest of team Avatar having 'found themselves'. So it's not out of character for him to join Kuvira.

I feel like he's also compensating for the loss of Korra, who was in recovery at the time by following Kuvira.

It's very obvious that Korra had a huge impact on Bolin's life, as she did with all of Team Avatar. But Bolin had definetly attached himself very strongly to her. He's been following Mako around his entire life, been a follower for most of his life. And then his first real friendship outside of family follows a similar pattern.

Korra is like the perfect character for Bolin to project his weird codependency thing onto. She's an effortless leader, very forceful, decisive and straightforward. Someone who he can easily listen to and carve out a path he can follow. And following the Avatar around allows him to do something worthwile and good. To actually help. With the added benefit that it gets him people's approval, something he so clearly desperately needs and craves.

Then Korra becomes so injured that she has to be placed in physical therapy for an indeterminate ampunt of time.

So Bolin projects that need and codependency on someone else. Kuvira. In his argument with Mako he states it clear as day: 'I mean, Kuvira is basically just like Korra. She might seem hard to deal with, but just because she's so passionate and believes in what she's doing.'

He gets to continue doing good and making people like him while under very clear orders he can follow.

I mean, this boy is traumatised. Clearly, Mako took the brunt of the horrors of their childhood, but it would be incredibly stupid to say that Bolin isn't fucked up as well. Clearly in a different way but fucked up nonetheless. I think this codependency thing is something both brothers benefitted from as kids but that's a conversation for another day.

And the events of the first three books are also traumatic?

Like he's just been part of a civil war/end of the world so excuse him for hoping to catch a break. I will once again refer you to the ostrich effect. Another war breaking out is probably like worst case scenario in his mind.

I feel like for him, if he opens his eyes to what Kuvira is doing is accepting that there is once again a 'big conflict' in his life. And that his loved ones are once again in danger. And worse, that he's contributed to it.

I can also see it all being a case of 'well ive waded neck deep into this swamp, now i gotta see this through'. Like he's sunk so much time and energy into this cause, it can't be all wrong, right?

Sure, ego is probably a big part of his behaviour. Everyone is telling him that Kuvira is bad and that automatically puts up the defences. Bit I can see how these warnings feel like a direct personal attack at Bolin himself. He was also incredibly isolated from most of his friends when serving Kuvira. Other than Zhu Li and Varrick, who aren't exactly peers.

So he's lonely on a train most of his time and when he does reuinte with his loved ones they start criticising his life choices . I can see him getting defensive and automatically resistant to critisism.

And Kuvira is also shown to be very good at emotuonal manipulation and threats and stuff. And Bolin, a chronic people pleaser whith a lot of trauma is, like, the perfect victim for those shenanigans. Bolin is canonically bad at reading situations that are detrimental to him (look at the entirety of his relationship with Eska)

You know, sure, he's an idiot for staying with her as long as he did. But it's not as black and white as a lot of people make it out to be?

[amber-laughs]

Thank you so much for your answer! I'd love to hear your thoughts on their relationship before the series begins. We know that the scene they shared in agot was not reflective of their actual dynamic even if most people loooove to forget that part. How did they interact? Did they ever? How was their relationship especially when Jon was a toddler or around 7-8? Thank you for your time!

oh fun question! well let's start from the beginning, we know that Catelyn was upset to find Jon in Winterfell before her

When the wars were over at last, and Catelyn rode to Winterfell, Jon and his wet nurse had already taken up residence. That cut deep. A Game of Throne- Catelyn II

but keep in mind Catelyn didn't know Ned yet. they'd obviously met and married but she doesn't really know anything about his temperament yet and even with that she's just arrived in a new place that will be her home forever, there's no way out, so the idea of her immediately showing her displeasure with Jon or Ned feels unlikely to me because in Family, Duty, Honor fashion she would first and foremost try to make her new family work to fulfill her father's alliance and be forced to put her wounded honor to the side. we know she did eventually work up the courage to ask Ned about Ashara Dayne

The Lady Ashara Dayne, tall and fair, with haunting violet eyes. It had taken her a fortnight to marshal her courage, but finally, in bed one night, Catelyn had asked her husband the truth of it, asked him to his face. That was the only time in all their years that Ned had ever frightened her. "Never ask me about Jon," he said, cold as ice. A Game of Thrones- Catelyn II

Ned scared her so bad she never asked again and neither did the servants. Now the fandom has a pretty simplistic, whitewashed view of Ned that isn't supported in canon but I would still call this out of character for him and Catelyn does too but remember, she barely knew him at this point, so it makes sense why she completely dropped the topic of not just Ashara but probably Jon as whole for a few years. but of course we know it does come up again.

Now I personally think the real trouble would start to come in as Jon was weened and was still in Winterfell. If he no longer needed a wet-nurse there's no reason not to foster him off in classic bastard fashion and Catelyn clearly thinks so too

Whoever Jon's mother had been, Ned must have loved her fiercely, for nothing Catelyn said would persuade him to send the boy away. It was the one thing she could never forgive him. A Game of Thrones- Catelyn II

Catelyn, of her own admission, was often trying to get Ned to kick Jon out of Winterfell. now this is where I need to remind people that I LOVE Catelyn Tully Stark. I'm on her team, I'm on her side, I'd buy her Mother's Day gifts if I could. most people in this fandom are actually pretty chill about the Catelyn Jon dynamic but there are two sides that think catelyn was an evil abusive wicked witch of the west specifically out to get an infant because she just feels like being evil and another side that thinks she never did anything to him and he's a spoiled brat who should be grateful she didn't make him sleep outside and eat only dog food. both are extremely annoying.

the truth is Catelyn was cruel to Jon and yes by George RR Martin's own words she never laid hands on him and she wasn't directly berating him throughout the years because like I said Catelyn isn't evil and she doesn't enjoy cruelty but when a child says he feels guilty eating in front of you there's a problem.

Jon wondered how Lady Catelyn's sister would feel about feeding Ned Stark's bastard. As a boy, he often felt as if the lady grudged him every bite. A Dance With Dragons- Jon IV

now it's possible Jon is projecting his own insecurities on to Catelyn here except:

Catelyn had nothing against this girl, but suddenly she could not help but think of Ned's bastard on the Wall, and the thought made her angry and guilty, both at once. She struggled to find words for a reply. A Game of Thrones- Catelyn VI

Catelyn does feel guilty for the way she's treated Jon. yes making Jon feel uncomfortable in Winterfell served a purpose, making sure he knows its not his. he has no right to it. Robb does. Robb will inherit. If not Robb then Bran, if not Bran then Rickon and so on and so forth. but none the less it was fucking mean. but here's the thing, Catelyn can't change society, she's navigating the rules she's given and Ned isn't, I imagine that would send her up a wall sometimes. because as she said Ned can have all the bastards he wants and she wouldn't care but Jon has no business being there and no business being treated like a true born next to her actual true born sons

"This is Valyrian steel, my lord," he said wonderingly. His father had let him handle Ice often enough; he knew the look, the feel. A Game of Thrones- Jon VIII

why the hell is Jon being allowed to handle the Stark ancestral sword? this is so widely out of the norm for Westeros it almost feels illegal. I can completely understand why Catelyn started trying to drill into Robb's head that Jon was different from him

That morning he called it first. "I'm Lord of Winterfell!" he cried, as he had a hundred times before. Only this time, this time, Robb had answered, "You can't be Lord of Winterfell, you're bastard-born. My lady mother says you can't ever be the Lord of Winterfell." A Storm of Swords- Jon XII

and it's also known throughout the Winterfell that there are hostilities between Jon and Catelyn. when Robb see's Jon is upset he immediately wonders if his mother is the reason

His voice was flat and tired. The visit had taken all the strength from him. Robb knew something was wrong. "My mother …" "She was … very kind," Jon told him. A Game of Thrones- Jon II

Jon also famously has the line where he admits Catelyn has never so much as called him by his name before so on Catelyn's side the relationship is somewhere on a spectrum from non existent to hostile. on Jon's side? well we know that Jon very consciously craved a mother

He knew nothing of his mother; Eddard Stark would not talk of her. Yet he dreamed of her at times, so often that he could almost see her face. A Game of Thrones- Jon III

often felt like he had to prove himself to his father

Bastard children were born from lust and lies, men said; their nature was wanton and treacherous. Once Jon had meant to prove them wrong, to show his lord father that he could be as good and true a son as Robb. I made a botch of that.  A Storm of Swords- Jon X

and I want to be clear, I know it wasn't Catelyn's job to make Jon feel welcome in his home, Ned really dropped the ball. It's Ned's fault that Jon just assumed he'd be destitute with no prospects by the time he turned 16 and it shows in the way Jon craves father figures in his life after he leaves Winterfell. Jeor Mormont, Benjen Stark, Mance Rayder, Maester Aemon, Stannis Baratheon I mean the list goes on. The thing is though there are no older women in Jon's life. Not at the Wall and not really in Winterfell either. He and Robb don't seem to take lessons from Septa Mordane and while Old Nan certainly taught him some important stories she doesn't seem to have set a maternal presence in his life.

I'm not saying Catelyn was or should have been Jon's mother because she wasn't and it surely wasn't her job but I do think she subconsciously fills that second parental placeholder in his head next to Ned because he clearly craves one but has no other woman to fill it.

Lord of Winterfell. I could be the Lord of Winterfell. My father's heir. It was not Lord Eddard's face he saw floating before him, though; it was Lady Catelyn's. A Storm of Swords- Jon XII

while this isn't Jon's deciding factor the idea of upsetting her or once again being rejected by her really bothers him, so much so that he can't even go on training with his friends, he has to leave and take a walk all alone. She's also one of the deciding factors when he's deciding whether to take his lifelong vows for the Night's Watch.

By the time the moon was full again, he would be back in Winterfell with his brothers. Your half brothers, a voice inside reminded him. And Lady Stark, who will not welcome you. A Game of Thrones- Jon V

but let's be clear Jon isn't just sitting around waiting for her to hug him. he doesn't like her either.

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. A Game of Thrones- Jon VII

he blames her for Ned's death just as much as he blames Cersei which is unfair and a bit delusional but childhood resentment will do that to a 15 year old.

So what was Jon and Catelyn's relationship like? Bad. Catelyn and Jon never had a chance. they were failed by the system. women and bastards seem to have a lot in common in Westeros in the sense that their agency is greatly limited. their safety rests on the graces of whatever man has placed their claim on them and this woman and this bastard were vying for the graces of the same man and felt one couldn't have it if the other did too. which is a shame in and of itself because I think they're both better at this game than Ned was.

***Less about their pre-series relationship but Jon and Catelyn have so much in common thematically and politically speaking. I did a parallel of them if you'd like to check it out

[libbytwq]

hey can i be sappy for a moment, i feel like getting a thing off my chest (positive vent)

I love you all in the SMG4 Tumblr community so much. Y'all are absolutely epic and amazing and so creative and just. chill.

I've always been so nervous about joining set fandoms/fandom communities, cuz usually the community is huge and overwhelming, toxic, scary, crazy, and the idea of being in those communities and interacting with people in those communities and being in there not just to post a dingle fanart from it and dip, but to help be a big part of the community and whatnot sounded... overwhelming.

Then I slowly began getting super hyperfixated on SMG4, much more than I usually am, leading me to post more about it. Fanart, things I notice, goofy theories... more than just me saying a couple things i like about it, posting a fanart, then moving onto something else.

I started kinda just exploring the SMG4 tags and gradually, I began recognizing most of the people in this community more and more -- recognizing art styles, etc. I noticed how small a community it was.

And it was a mostly chill community. I wasn't really seeing much drama or questionable things, maybe some criticisms about the show or theories or whatever, but nobody was at each others throats. Plus, the fan OCs were super neat.

I had begun posting more and more SMG4 content, drawing fanart, their OCs, and the fact people were so just... chill and welcoming about it was so nice. It wasn't nearly as scary -- we are all just vibing here. Most of the artists you look up to will probably see your work, and give it attention too.

It feels super strange to be considered an SMG4 Tumblr artist, having people literally enjoying the things I make and making things for me when they make things for SMG4 fanartists... its honestly super surreal. But so so exciting and euphoric.

Cuz yall are so awesome!! Yall make my day so bright. Yall are the best.

I'll be honest, when I first was slowly being a part of the SMG4 community -- sometime right after summer vacation began -- I had been dealing with some petty but difficult irl person issues.

I don't want to get into it too much, but I had basically messed up in a pretty bad way (enough to make me feel bad the moment I did it, but not enough that we couldn't move on and mature from it), and the people involved were hurt worse than I thought they were, and instead of trying to talk it out they resorted lying about being my friends for months before school ended, and over summer break, tried to cancel one of my Scratch account and drag my followers there into drama that they had no business being in, for the simple reason being "you don't deserve all that fame".

Despite their attempt at trying to cancel me not really working out very well, it very much affected me negatively and made me very very scared about using Scratch again. I still post projects there sometimes, but i felt weird when i do it. I felt like those people were watching my every move, waiting to try and drag me down again. It felt so strange and scary to feel like the people I once cared so deeply about are breathing down my neck, waiting for me to make another wrong move and add it to their proof of why I'm an awful person.

It sucks ass.

The SMG4 community here on Tumblr, despite none of you knowing I was going through anything at all, you all helped a lot. Just existing.

Being a welcoming community that I feel safe to be silly and normal in.

I've never been the best at expressing appreciation, but let me just say:

I think of you all so highly and I never want you to change.

Keep making silly art. Or fanfics. Or AUs. Or OCs. Or whatever you like doing in this tiny close-knit fandom.

Keep doing everything you're doing to make this community mean so much to me.

❤️❤️❤️

...this sounds like im leaving the community,, IM NOT I just wanted to get it off my chest cuz ive been experiencing the emotions™ yknow, sorry that its not like my regular posts lol, im not gonna post like this much LMAOOO

TL;DR: yall are fuckin awesome please keep being awesome forever and ever ily bye

[shark-myths]

hi!!!! ive probably sent an ask like this before but how do you keep up the motivation to finish a longer fic? whenever i start writing a fic i know will be long i end up abandoning it or getting bored or not knowing how to continue / end it. the few multichaptered fics ive posted are incomplete and i dont know when they’ll be finished. i have a couple of longer fics in drafts but it just feels like such a challenge to finish them. how do you do it?

ooh i love this question! i am proud of being a finisher--in all my years of writing fic (it's been... many), i have only ever once started posting something i didn't finish. i generally wait until i'm really confident i can finish a fic before i begin posting it. sometimes, as you may have experience in real time with Rosewood Lane, there is a looooong time between updates... but i usually like to keep an update schedule. giving myself deadlines works really well to motivate me and keep myself organized! i also tend to be a daily writer, i'm happiest when i have a little time to sit down every morning and work on a project, whether that's rereading, editing, or writing deeper into the story. i actually am usually trying to make my fics shorter than they end up, but i feel like most stories have their shape already and know how long they need to be to do what i want them to, and i'm merely hanging on. i would love to get better at writing short pieces. having cheerleaders and readers helps too! i find it so exciting to share updates with everyone.

when a story gets boring--and this does happen to me--i try to jump around and write any shred of it i can find that feels interesting, or i go back to the last part that felt interesting and either change or entirely scrap what comes after it that went flat for me. i also avoid any type of real outlining or plotting (sometimes this is pretty obvious in my finished product, oops) because once i know everything that's going to happen, the why and how and where of a story's arc, i lose interest in writing it. i'm in it for the surprise and whatever's coming around the bend! if i have it all planned out, there feels to be very little point in actually writing it--instead it starts to feel like a dreaded task to me. work, not writing.

i also sometimes leave stories alone for a long time. i did this with Footnote, and i did it with Dirty Enough to Love, and i did it with my 1950s au when it was too much GENDER and REALITY for me to deal with. these don't see the light of day while they're on the back burner; the pressure to post can turn right into avoidance and dislike of a project for me, which is why i am so slow to start posting a story even when a significant portion is already written.

so i guess, writing tips from a shark, tl;dr version:

give yourself a schedule for writing and posting that feels organized and manageable

don't rush to start posting, this can turn an unfinished story into a task you want to avoid

find someone you can share your excitement with, whether they're in the fandom or not, and talk about your ideas and intentions with them

trust the length a story wants to be

also, trust yourself about the length of story you interested in writing

if it's boring, try telling it differently. jump ahead, jump back, delete the scene that got you stuck, change something, drop part of the narrative, skip some time or detail

don't be afraid to abandon something and come back to it months or years later

create more mystery and unknowns in the story to keep yourself interested. hide things from yourself! throw wrenches in your best-laid plans! let your characters completely sabotage you! obscure the path ahead so you are interested by the task of finding it again.

whatever you do, just keep writing. you will have a lifelong relationship to the craft and it will change over time, like our bodies, like the seasons. be where the joy is right now and don't get too worried about where you want to be later.

thank you for the thoughtful question! happy writing 💜

[grovyrosegirl]

Chapter 34: The Scrivener's Records. IV (cont.)

Preview:

It’s here where Gale finds her again, his glowing eyes and scars creating a strange, illuminated silhouette in the dark — nearly making her jump in her seat — until he steps into the torchlight’s reach. To Connie’s relief, he looks happier, more… present at this moment than he did during dinner. “Hey you,” Connie greets him with a sweaty grin. Gale smiles back and sits beside her, “Hello dearest. What have you got there?”  “Just a little keepsake. Halsin made it,” she gives the duck to Gale and watches as he rotates it about in his hands, observing it. “He was telling me how ducks migrate with the seasons, spreading their wings far and wide, before they eventually find their way back home.”  Connie’s fingers tiptoe across the bench, inching as close as they can to his without touching, as she playfully adds on, “Much in the same way our cherished people do. Lovely, isn’t it?” Perhaps it’s the alcohol drawing out Connie’s inner romantic that makes her say such sappy things, but that part of herself has been denied for long enough. And Gale always did love the subtle poetry of the world. She recalls how he would spend nights at camp gazing up at the stars, or how he would remark on all the vibrant colors of the Underdark, once describing them to her as a symphony of light. It was incredible, really, how one person’s way with words could make a world that had gone dull for her become the brightest, most beautiful place she’d ever seen. She wants to hear them again. 

[gremoria411]

Gundam Design Lineages - Universal Century

Because I’m probably going to do a few of these.

This is a follow-up to an ask by @wordsandrobots , with the original post here:

But honestly this one works pretty well just on its own.

Gundam as a series tends to have mobile suits share several features, and it plays around with the concept of lineages and development in that field. Seeing how I haven’t made much progress on finishing my thoughts on 00’s design lines yet, I thought I’d be nice to take a nice sidebar and talk about the Universal Century.

The Universal Century is the original series and the one with the most instalments. As such, it is absolutely thick with design lineages to trip over and discuss.

However, I really don’t see a lineage between the actual Gundam’s themselves. With the sole exception of the original Gundam and the Gundam Mk-II, they all feel rather unconnected - at least directly. The Original RX-78 line was constructed basically out of whole cloth during the one year war - the general concept of mobile suits was considered but there was little influence from pre-existing designs because there weren’t any. The post-war Gundam development project was a group of units with very different design goals, grouped together under the name “Gundam” because that’s what Federation high-performance suits were called, really. Yes, they would be used against Zeon remnant groups but the Gp02 and Gp03 especially were fully divorced from prior Gundam iterations (I guess there’s the focus on close quarters combat and quick strikes that connects the other three, but again that feels more regarding mobile suits in general than Gundams specifically to me). The Gundam Mk-II was a direct upgrade to the original built at the beginning of the Gryps Conflict using modern technology, and thus shares direct lineage, but from there it all goes a bit sideways. The “next” iteration, the Zeta Gundam, was developed by Anaheim Electronics under their Project Zeta line. Project Zeta could probably be its own post, but it was essentially brand-new in terms of mobile suit design, incorporating cutting-edge technologies and some data from Axis. Yes, the Gundam Mk-II was one of the suits that were used in the Zeta Gundam development, but so was the Rick Dias and Methuss, so I don’t tend to look at it as a Gundam development line all that much. The Gundam Mk-III also clearly incorporated design features from the Zeta Project (specifically both the Zeta and Delta Gundam’s) in addition to the Mk-II, so there’s no direct link there. The Gundam Mk-IV is stated to be based off the Mk-III, and I’d be inclined to consider it took influence from other Project Zeta units as well, considering both lines would have been incorporating remote weaponry around this time (such as the S Gundam, seen in Gundam Sentinel). The ZZ Gundam appears to have been developed in response to other Fourth-Generation Mobile Suits, and is also part of the Project Zeta line. The Nu Gundam is, surprise-surprise, also part of the Project Zeta line, but I tend to look at it more as an expression of Amuro’s development rather than the Gundam itself. Project Zeta is essentially a bunch of Gundam plans all running at once, so while they cross-pollinate each other, I don’t view them as a lineage as such. The Unicorns, F91 and Alex I generally look at as their own things - The Unicorns are this odd development of the Nu and the Sazabi through the Sinanju, but their status as the absolute zenith of Newtype-use mobile suits again separates them from Gundam’s specifically. The F91 is a development of the F90, which is essentially just, a Gundam. Like, a new one. Lastly the Alex, while absolutely lovely, falls into the trap of being built in the One Year War, and thus I’m inclined to lump it in with all the other OYW-era Gundams and Gundam-a-likes. Variants, not successors.

So, now that we’ve established I don’t really see the various Gundam’s as a design lineage, what do I think of when I think design lineages in Universal Century? Why, nothing less than the other side of the coin, from Federation elites to Zeon grunts, ladies, gentlemen and beyond, let’s talk about Zaku’s:

The Zaku I - The Zaku I was the first mobile suit assigned for use in combat, and was developed in UC 0095, four years before the outbreak of the One Year War. It’s production would eventually be replaced by the Zaku II in UC 0077-0078 (depending on if you class the Zaku II A Type or C Type it’s replacement), as the Zaku II had overall better performance, and was easier to work with due to a improved internal design. The Zaku I’s lower performance would see it mostly relegated to second-line duties during the bulk of the One Year War, but it was infamously used during the One Week Battle and Operation British, where it would be armed with Atomic Bazooka’s and G3 Gas Grenades. The Zaku I did see some frontline use however - Ramba Ral, Erik Blanke and Norris Packard would all make Ace status in these suits, and it wasn’t unknown for commanders to request it instead of Zaku II’s, since it was more likely to be available. It also was able to use pretty much any weapon that the Zaku II could, leading to a comparatively low loss in performance. Interestingly, two variants of this unit - the British Invasion “Green Devil” and First Refined Type 185th Airborne Paratrooper use, both used during Operation British and the Earth Drop Operation, respectively; would incorporate Zaku II parts, implying that the Zaku I could be upgraded to a level close to the Zaku II with little difficulty, similar to how the Earth Federation would later upgrade its aging GM’s into GM II’s.

Design-wise, I think the Zaku I’s just lovely. A little soldier guy. I like how simple and clean the body is, and the head’s just so well-defined and characterful - it just looks surprised. The darker tones and thinner design sell that this is the precursor to the Zaku II - I especially like the “bridge” in the centre of the visor - putting multiple at the side to give a clearer front view is the obvious choice, so having the Zaku I not have that is just very nice. Its weaponry is pretty great - its machine gun and bazooka are obvious precursors to ones used by the Zaku II, and it incorporating an actual shield to compensate for it not being integrated is also lovely.

The Zaku II - what even is there to say about this one? It’s justifiably iconic and for good reason. The Zaku II C Type entered service sometime in U.C. 0078, and was used in the early stages of the One Year War. After the signing of the Antarctic Treaty, it would be quickly replaced with the visually-identical F Type, which lacked the heavy radiation shielding around the cockpit and was consequently much more agile. However, the F Type would itself be largely replaced with the also externally identical J Type for Earth operations (often known as the Zaku Ground Type), which had internals better suited to combat under gravity. In case it’s not obvious, I really like the many, many Zaku variants. It’s just lovely to see so many spins on such a classic design. I like the simplicity of it, I like the weapon variety, I like how expressive it is, I like how it’s in basically everything because it’s just so “Zeon”.

The Hi-Zack. I know there’s a bunch of units between the Zaku II and Hi-Zack, but they’re all either Zaku II variants (and therefore good) or from Advance of Zeta (which I don’t really care about). So I’m just gonna talk about the basic Hi-Zack. It’s probably my least favourite of the suits I’m gonna talk about here, but that’s more to do with the rest of the line being really good. The Hi-Zack was used by the Earth federation and Titans during the gryps conflict, and was one of the three “main” mobile suits for both organisations during the war. It was noted for being vastly superior to the old Zaku, however due to a weak generator, it could only mount one beam weapon at a time (so beam saber or beam rifle, not both). This would eventually be remedied in the later Hi-Zack custom, but by then the titans were seeking a new main mobile suit, so it was only produced in limited numbers. Design-wise, the Hi-Zack’s an odd duck for me. I’m not particularly fond of the design itself, but I like a lot of the details surrounding it. It’s quite a nice microcosm of early Gryps War-era design - the chest in particular is this blend of federation and Zeon elements and I like how chunky the feet are. There’s just so much good detail here, but it doesn’t feel overdone and it looks great in animation. I’m just not really much of a fan of the design itself - it just looks too much like a Zaku +1 to me. Or the Zaku pushed through a Zeta-style design filter, with its wing binders and two-colour forearms. I also think it’s just lacking in the weapon department - the fact it can only mount a beam rifle or beam saber just does it no favours, and there’s nothing to really differentiate it from the pack, as it were. Pretty much all of its weaponry is used by other mobile suits, so there’s nothing that feels like it’s unique to the Hi-Zack. Well, one exception- I do quite like its machine gun, but I think that’s just because it’s essentially a Zaku machine gun with a fancy sight. I would also like to call out that I like how it’s got two colour schemes - one for the Titans and one for the Federation, and it looks absolutely gorgeous in the Zeta Gundam: A New Translation movies (seriously, it’s just so pretty).

The Zaku III - The Zaku III is Axis Zeon’s proper upgrade rollout for the Zaku Line, designed to be versatile and easily equipped for different missions. To this end, it had a variety of optional parts produced, leading to the Zaku III Custom, which was really just the Zaku III with various options parts added to boost performance. It was in competition to become Axis next mainline mobile suit - a competition it lost to the vastly more powerful Döven Wolf. As such, it would only be produced in limited numbers.

The regular Zaku III is a pretty big break away from the Zaku design lineage - which honestly is pretty nice. It’s built to essentially be full of beam weapons, and it has some good handheld ones (like three different kinds of beam rifles, one of which has a bayonet). I like the head and the gray colour scheme really makes it stand out. It’s got some nice bulk, so it feels like it’s derived from the Rick Dom a little as well. It’s just very nice overall, it hearkens back to the principality in form while being full of the firepower that is Axis Zeon’s functional hallmark.

A little bit of a cheat now - I really want to talk about the Zaku III Late Type. The Zaku III late type appears in the Manga Under the Gundam: Double Fake (and also Gundam F90: Fastest Formula) Honestly, there’s a lot of great designs in there, but I want to talk about this one because until the introduction of the Zaku IV (shown below), this was the link between the Zaku III and Geara Doga, so I figured it’d be nice to talk about. It retains the skirt-integrated beam cannons of the original Zaku III, as well as its beam sabers. It was also able to mount an optional bazooka. It also mounts a ballistic machinegun in contrast to the original’s beam rifle - it’s stated to be an improved version of the original Zaku III, and one typical way of improving a mobile suit is thinning out integrated beam weapons to ease the load on the reactor, so it having less beam weapons would make sense. It’s also possible that its operators anticipated fighting in colonies, where beam weapons would be overall detrimental, leading to a reduction in their use. The point I’m unclear on is if it retains the “mouth” beam cannon of the original - it’s never shown with it, but some iterations of the design are specifically noted as having removed it, implying it’s still present on this model.

Design-wise, honestly gorgeous. I love the blue colouration and the slant to the armour, while the body and form sell it as an improvement over the original Zaku III due to its more angular nature and the addition of smaller details to break up the armour. I like how the shoulders are slightly slimmed-down since it makes it feel sleeker, and there’s so many details here that are just prototypical of what we’ll see on the Geara Doga. 10/10, only note is I wish I knew how it’s armaments played out.

Note: Apparently the units seen in the Fastest Formula manga are the CR types, as opposed to the Under the Gundam: Double Take units C type designation, but honestly this could just be a stylistic thing, so I bundled the units together (there’s some nice art from Fastest Formula that’s a lot closer to how Zaku III’s are depicted in Unicorn).

The Zaku IV - Boy, it sure is lovely when Gbo2 decides to play ball and actually spits out two of the units I want to talk about. The Zaku IV is an odd one. Because, yes, precursor to the Geara Doga and part of the Zaku Lineage and all that, but also it’s designer is Ippei Gyoubu, who designed the Man Rodi, the Zaku-analogue from Mobile Suit Gundam Iron Blooded Orphans. So it’s got just as much influence from the Man Rodi as it does the Zaku, which is just lovely. The Zaku IV was predominantly used by Zeon Remnant forces in the period between the first Neo Zeon War and Char’s Counterattack. It was armed with a long-barrelled sniper beam rifle, two rapid-fire beam cannons mounted on the head (allowing for a greater angle of fire than the original Zaku III), a pair of small beam machineguns holstered on the backpack and a pair of beam knuckle dusters stored on the waist when not in use. It does also have a large heat hawk as optional equipment.

I really like how heavily armed it is - it feels like a genuine advance on the Zaku III. It strips out a lot of the internal weaponry and hews a lot closer to the design of the Zaku II, but I like how advanced it feels. There’s echoes of 4th-Gen design hallmarks here - the Zaku IV even has an optional add-on, the Princess Booster, containing funnels. I really love how chunky the legs are - they’re an obvious follow-on to the Zaku III, but they remind me of the Dom as well - or more specifically the Rick Dom, so it’s blending together Zeon suits as opposed to just being about the Zaku. Weapon-wise…. The beam knuckle dusters are just adorable honestly, they don’t replace the heat hawk, but they’re just so neat. Them being beam weapons is pretty great too, since it’s a technical upgrade, but visually they still look so very Zeonic. I love the inclusion of the larger beam rifle and beam guns - it really sells the idea of this being a ranged specialist Zaku, and it also make it feel like the heavy weapon specialist of the design tree. The beam machineguns - I don’t hate them, but they just don’t have the design charm of the original MMP Machine Gun for me. I like the colour scheme too - a two-tone of green, with red and light gray for details, breaking up this blocky aesthetic with sharp touches that are framed by the rest of the design. I also love all the design features that feel like evolutions of the Man Rodi - the arms, the hands. Even the odd leg proportions feel like they’re referencing that design, since it basically just had thrusters instead of feet. It’s just this wonderful blend of the Man Rodi and the old Zaku II. I also love how greebled it is (though that essentially counts for all of Ippei Gyoubu’s designs).

The Geara Doga - okay, so the Geara Doga is (probably) my favourite grunt suit design, and is most definitely in the running for one of my favourite mobile suit designs period, so I will obviously be completely biased here. There’s just so much character to it in my opinion - obviously it’s still got that ever-expressive monoeye, but a small detail I like is how the yellows draws your eye to the thruster bells - it emphasised the mobility because it’s got them in so many places. The commander types (the ones with antennas) even resemble mini-sazabi’s, so there’s this lovely of throughline of design with the rest of Char’s forces. Armament-wise, it can be armed with one of two types of Beam Machine Gun (one of which has a built-in grenade launcher), has a beam sword/axe for melee, incorporates a shock-anchor and has a shield on which up to four sturm faust’s may be mounted. It’s a very tight loadout, focused on versatility and any other roles can be taken by one of the Geara Doga’s variant units (various environmental specialists, plus Newtype test units, melee specialists, and even a good old fashioned Kai unit. Honestly I could probably do an entire post just on them alone) . I also love how angled the helmet is and I think the leg detailing’s just lovely. It’s got bulk, but it doesn’t feel sluggish, which is a lovely midpoint.

In-universe, the Geara Doga’s were manufactured by Anaheim Electronics for use by Newborn Neo Zeon (headed by Char Aznable). Emphasis was placed on reliability and ease of production and repair - it’s not particularly cutting-edge, but it’s so well-balanced it doesn’t really need to be. This also allows Anaheim to use it as a basis when constructing their next commissioned mobile suit, the Messer.

And, Lastly, the Geara Zulu. I’ve got conflicting opinions on this one, which I can divide into three main points:

I do love the design - I’ll admit a preference for the Guards Type, since that takes more influence from the Geara Doga, but the standard Geara Zulu is still very nice. It feels like a modern interpretation of the Zaku II - the form’s very much the same, with its slim physique and resembling a human soldier. I think it’s got good weapon variety and I do love the modern stylings on the legs. It’s detailed, but not so much that it doesn’t look good when there’s multiple of it, which is a quality you want in a grunt suit. It retains a lot of the Zaku’s strengths as well - it’s instantly recognisable and the monoeye means that it’s very expressive. The sleeves filigree is present, but it’s not excessive, so it’s clearly signified as a foot soldier as opposed to anything more complex. It has a handful of variants - the aforementioned guards type, the Aquatic Zee Zulu and Angelo’s various units, which are all pretty nice.

It is facist as all heck. Which yeah, obviously it’s a Zeon suit, but it just takes it so much further than any real previous design. It’s a look I’m not really comfortable with for obvious reasons, but I’m just rather lost as to why it looks like this. Original Zeon was this blend of WWI and WWII Germany through a sort of late-70’s Japanese sci-fi/tokusatsu lens, where the fact that there’s real, fairly human people piloting these things is the big difference (or at least that’s how I’ve always looked at it). The Geara Zulu might work if The Sleeves were presented as this sinister remnant of evils past, a cautionary tale of the spectres of old conflicts hiding in our society, but they’re just kinda not. Honestly I find the Neo Zeon presented in Unicorn to be one of the softest takes on Zeon in the franchise - they’re all largely humanised, they’re completely outmatched by the Earth Federation whenever they meet in open combat and even their attack on Torrington (which has numerous civilian casualties) is still presented as this rather desperate thing, where the tide turns on them when the Federation is able to bring actual modern ms to bear. I suppose it could be to mislead the viewer? So we expect Neo Zeon to be this sinister force and when they turn out to have rational goals it’s a surprise? But Gundam’s has the whole gray-on-gray morality going for a while so I can’t imagine that’d be it. It could be that the Mecha Designers and Story Writers didn’t communicate much, but again that feels unlikely. Also, (and this is less of a problem with the Geara Zulu and more with Unicorn’s Design ethos as a whole) I’m not really a fan of its beam rifle being based off the real-life StG-44 Assault rifle used by Germany in WWII. Like, yeah gundam’s had real-world influences before, and I can understand leaning towards the military aficionado demographic (both in messaging and finance), but it just feels so odd. “Watch this show about the horrors of war, with realistic designs from the military-industrial complex!”. Again, the Geara Zulu isn’t the only unit in Unicorn that does this (and I don’t even think it’s the worst offender), but it is a criticism I have of the design. But because of these issues, the Geara Zulu can’t really escape feeling like mixed messaging at best.

So, that’s the my opinions on the Geara Zulu in a nutshell: I really like the design - I’m just not too fond of some of the implications. I would still recommend Unicorn however - I think it says and does a lot of good things, even if I have several aesthetic criticisms.

In-universe, the Geara Zulu was a commission design by Anaheim Electronics on behalf of the Sleeves, who lacked the capacity for mobile suit manufacture of their own. It’s seen as a solid, sensible and reliable upgrade to the Geara Doga, hence it being the organisation’s mainline unit.

Closing

And that’s all of what I would consider the main units in the Zaku lineage (plus a few extra’s for my own satisfaction). It’s nice seeing how the different designs are iterated on, and how they reflect the technological developments and practical needs of the organisations utilising them (and I suppose out-of-universe design philosophies). I particularly like how the Zaku III and IV encapsulate fourth-generation design ethos, and how the Geara Doga and Geara Zulu represent the need practical capabilities coming off that high of Newtype tech during the Neo Zeon War. (I did consider doing the RF Zaku at the end, but honestly I don’t have an awful lot to say on it).

Feel free to mention any of your favourites!

[pumpkinsy0]

OMG HI!!! I’ve been reading ur blog for the past hour and I’m absolutely thrilled to see it lol. I’ve always been a big papercut shipper and seeing other people ship them is a dream come true for my 13 year old self. I wanted to dump some of my headcanons for the outsiders/S.E Hinton Verse mostly because it’s so rare to find people who also like it

I personally see most of the greasers as white. Mostly because of what type of greaser culture the book describes, it’s leant towards white kids back then in the 60s rather than kids of color. But I’ve never seen the Shepards as white. It’s just never something I’ve seen. I grew on a block where everyone raised eachothers kids, as we grew older we joked we were one big mixed family. Ive always see the shepards as that Mexican-American family that I spent my after schools with while my parents were busy.  But that could totally be me projecting Idk

for Johnny I’ve always pictured him as mixed. Probably African American-Italian. He’s described with features that look like people of that heritage look and in my opinion it’s probably one of the main reasons he was targeted. 

For Two-bit I’ve always seen him as a super pasty, always sun-burnt white boy who is super into his European heritage. Like this man can’t deal with school but he’ll do deep dives on Scottish mythology and Vikings any day of the week.

Steve definitely has always looked like he does in the movie to me. He’s definitely a hillbilly, I have cousins who act exactly like him and it’s absolutely hilarious because the deep southern accent just makes them not understandable. I’ve personally viewed Steve having that deep accent and also having a lisp (wowza I’m just projecting on him lol) so no one understands him besides from Soda and the older women who come to the DX.

I’ve always viewed Dally as Italian also but he is the type that can not tan to save his life. His nearly white blonde hair is not just from the bleach he puts on it but from running around in the sun all day every day. There is this one artist that draws him like a gremlin that I love I’m pretty sure their @ is something among the lines of crow1121? I can’t find rn and it’s killing me lol. But the other artist is @/ nutsackx and I absolutely love their interpretation of the gang 

Honestly with the Curtis’s I love ur interpretation of them being Arab-American but my little projecting heart (wow I do that a lot) always have viewed them as a German-Jewish and Romani as that’s what my family is and they lived very similar lives back in the 60s. It’s a small little head cannon I’ve always had and I’ve always held onto for the Curtis family. I can’t ever view them as non-immigrants tho. 

Sorry this is so long sweetie. I just got super caught up in rambling and your blog really inspired me 🫶

HELLLOOOOO!!! glad u found this blog!!! we r all here for funsies and just doing whatever, glad to have u onboard<333

OKOK NOW LOOK☝🏽☝🏽i knooowwww SE Hinton wrote the outsiders w everyone but johnny being white in mind, but honestly i think what makes me change them some of em into poc instead is just bc i want to and its fun to me!!!! tbh, i like having different ideas on characters than others, plus part of it is just inspired by the ppl around me!!! at the very least tho, i do tryyyyyy to make it more historically accurate so its not like i just SHOVED them in there and i dont get 100% attacked by the “this isnt historically accurate grrrr” brigade, for example my haitian shepards, at the end of the day its mostly a self projection but i do have lore for them as to y theyre even in oklahoma, yknow??? doing things like that is fun to me!!!

WHEN IT COMES TO THE SHEPARDS, i will say, whenever i would see white shepards im like “oh i thought we all saw that they were poc guys</333” EVEN W THE MOVIE i was surprised tim wasnt a poc but whateverrrr we move onnnnn

BUT I DO LIKE UR ETHNICITY IDEAS!!!!, once again ANOTHER version of the characters put into my little multiverse right there w arab curtis family<3333

personally i hc dally to b italian, but considering the demographics of brooklyn back then, yea it is 100% possible he couldve been italian, and w johnny to me hes mexican/bengali, so i think its pretty cool that u see them as both being italian, im def rockin w it, it gives them something they can connect over a bit!!

and im happy to say we both see the curtis’ as being jewish, to me theyre ethnically jewish, i based the curtis’ off my gf im ngl

BUT ANYWAYS NO WORRIES!!! i love answering long asks and so happy my blog inspired u to share ur thoughts<333

[swearyshera]

Advance apology for the long ask in a likely sea of 'em. A lot of people talk about wishing they could experience something they love again for the first time, this series was genuinely as close to that as I've ever felt. Just given the span of time my attention flucuated on and off but once the latter half of s4/s5 began my attention was absolutely nailed to your feed. Its up with Dragon Ball Z Abridged as parody series that become so dramatically effective they become a valid or definitive way to experience the series. Goddamned sensational.

Your portrayals of the characters soar. They provide a hilarious, cruder take on each that still cuts right to the soul of who these people are and lays it bare, which I think is the mission of any good-natured parody. Adora, Catra, Glimmer, Scorpia, Bow, Prime etc. There is not one that does not shine. It tackled a ton of issues and misgivings I had about canon, and even elevated or clarified many scenes and arcs through addressing them a more direct fashion. You took full advantage of not having to dress up and dance around the dark subjects canon was sort of doomed to handle inadequately given its age bracket and thematic priorities. Many scenes were jawdropping. Ive raved about it before, but your scene with Glimmer actually talking about her mom with Catra still leaves me gobsmacked every time I reread it. Your big moments towards the finale btwn Adora and Catra are obviously sublime and tie their wonderful arc off fantastically, but in my heart of hearts that cell talk will be the crown jewel of this project. Loved seeing the LGBT message take center stage in way canon had to hold back. To paraphrase Tolkien, I'm can't count myself among those gifted people, and youve def got a target audience in mind, but if youve ever worried if your stories resonate on a quote unquote "more universal" level, I promise you can put those worries to bed. Since becoming an adult ive intentionally sought out more and more queer-inclusive/created stories and I havent regretted it a bit, and the rising tide of fascist sexist/homo/transphobic bile in politics gets more and more frightening. But I've also seen how strong and resilient LGBT people are in the face of it, empowering themselves in no small part thru stories like yours. Please don't ever give up on your art. The world needs artists like you. Sorry if I come off pretentious or condescending, I feel like that when I try to get everything I think out at once. I'll be among the first to come running if you ever start another project like this or make something on an even grander scale. Thank you a thousand times for this. Also writing a wholeass sitcom pilot based on an offhand quasi-joke I made is the most weirdly touching thing I think anyones ever done "for me" (at least nominally cuz of me), especially a stranger. So thank you for that too.

Aw, you'll make me cry, you know! I think you've understood everything I wanted to do with this strip (or at least, when I started thinking beyond just 'characters saying fuck'), and... yeah, it's been an incredible journey, both for the blog and for me personally.

I've always tried to keep the parody good-natured. You can often tell, particularly in parody, when the creator dislikes one particular character (I mean, Horde Prime was probably the exception here), but I love all of them, so it really comes from a place of love. It's quite odd because I never set out to "fix" the show, and I wouldn't want to, but some things I've done seem to have had such an impact that a lot of people think I have done just that.

The Glimmer/Catra conversation is absolutely one of my favourite things I've written from this. It's such a pivotal moment in both their stories and character development, and I am truly humbled that multiple people have called it 'better than canon'. Like... I'm just some person trying to be funny and occasionally serious, and people are saying something I wrote is better than what a team of experienced professional writers did? Give over, no... But it's still a moment I can be proud of.

I won't be stopping writing things. This whole blog has given me a new lease of life and something to aim towards. I've got an excellent pilot script pretty much finished, and I do want to bring Hellspawn up to that standard too (thank you for suggesting someone make a Sweary Frosta sitcom - I'm someone!). That may well involve a complete re-write, but I'll be sure to share it.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words along the way. It really keeps me going :)

[thestudentfarmer]

Hello hello,

This week the gardens starting to look super lovely! There's actually so much to look at I wasn't able to fit every picture in this post, but I'll be sharing more later this week on a few different posts with some things I've done this week towards the goal of being more eco friendly, self concious and getting more from what we have and providing best for my family.

To start the viewing, the sunflowers are starting to bloom :D the tallest is now close to or over 6 ft tall

And lots of lovely bees have been visiting. The girls are very friendly for the most part with respect to their space. They were all loading up on pollen :D 🐝🐝

Also many of the sunflowers have multiple heads, or have many branching smaller heads growing in along many of leaves.

Down below the velour beans are going stronger than I expected in honesty given the sunflower growth and the beans bushing growth. we've gotten 4 harvests now. Each harvest has been around 4-8 ounces.

Nasturtium, I feel okay with starting to harvest the greens soon. Maybe this week or next to make some pesto, breakfast food or salad add ins.

Some of the pumpkin/sunflower+bean row next to the broccoli/nasturtium.

I'm hoping the broccoli will be a little bigger soon so I can harvest some of the leaves for breakfast meals, stirfrys, soup and rice dishes.

The armenian cucumbers.

Sadly These aren't doing so great, I think where I planted isn't a good winter grow space for them. When I get more soil I'm going to try another spot that has more sun earlier and throughout the day instead of mostly shade. (In the summer/spring they did Great in whichever space.) Once I do I'll be pulling these and planting something else here. Not entirely sure what yet though.

2 cabbages I space filled with. Very excited to see them starting to pick up. 🥬

The eggplants, Very excited there's a full flower now and more flowers look like their coming in!

The carrots, a few small radish are still popping up here and there. So I feel like the cornstarch experiment worked but not as well as I'd hoped.

I would use the method again for carrot seeding, but would double the amount of seed in the mix. (I don't mind thinning, the greens and tiny carrots can be used for salad or chopped for omlettes)

2nd planting (direct seeded) of velour beans, and the few cabbages which survived the initial planting of the row. Somethings having a good munch, ive been checking for the suspects but no luck so far spotting them. I suspect heavily its cabbage loopers as they are a common pest of the area. (I am making chamomile tea to spray on them for now to test if it works.) next grow I may intercrop cabbage and sunflowers or borage. Or perhaps have some movable chamomile pots At the end of the beds to deter them.

This week I'm hoping to get some garden supplies for a few projects And to start breaking down some pallets to build some raised garden beds for a garden expansion.

I am late on starting my tomato and pepper seeds (mostly because I haven't sat down to figure what varieties we want to eat) but a late start is better than none. Thankfully the weather here allows for some tardiness with outdoor grows.

That's it for now 🌱

🌱🌻Happy Homesteading and Gardening🌻🌱

12 5 2023

[majesticwren]

due to high demand - me. I'm high demand. this entire project is being written entirely for my pleasure, be warned I'm being extremely self-indulgent - I've decided to write a little prequel to the events that take place here. this is set in 2018 and is the beginning of Fletch x OFC. billy will have his own little prequel at some point. enjoy.

Trigger Warning/s: alcohol consumption, mention of addiction, mention of sex, mention of trauma, sexual harassment, swearing, OFC is her own trigger warning she is damaged goods and slightly toxic, kyle is a little baby, mark is being overprotective and extremely toxic sorry not sorry, angst, mainly friends to lovers/impossible relationship dynamics.

nuclear season: part I -> | part II -> | part III -> prequel: part II -> | part III -> | part IV -> Masterlist

January 2018

There was always something melancholically romantic about an empty venue after a show. Seeing a place that had been crowded, hot and loud for hours suddenly empty and silent had a particular bittersweet vibe to it.

Erika sat on one of the foldable chairs at ringside, one leg crossed over her knee, swinging her foot to the beat of the seconds, looking around as she waited. Trying to pass the time, she fiddled with a lock of her hair.

The lights of the venue were now all switched on, making the ring at the centre of the room look extremely surgical. A couple of RevPro workers were dismantling it, pulling the apron and starting to take down the ropes. Erika moved her attention to another person on the other side of the room who was folding up the chairs, ready to load them away.

Erika tapped her foot on the floor. It was sticky under the sole of her show because of the spilt over drinks. She took some time to count the abandoned plastic cups and forgotten items she could see all over the place, making it look like the crowd partied hard. Which wasn’t far from reality. They had a good crowd at the show that night and everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves wrestlers and guests alike.

She was proud of many of the pictures she had taken. There was a content smile nested on her lips as she was aware she had probably made rent with that event.

There were many pros to working in wrestling. It was a career she hadn’t considered before, even though she had been around the scene for years since her brother was such a massive fan and had been wrestling already for over ten years. So, she had her fair bit of knowledge and was charmed by that world but had never thought it possible to make a career out of it.

Still, now she wasn’t entirely convinced her dream had come true. Somehow, she thought she didn’t deserve it and considered it a privilege. She had hurt and disappointed so many people before, too used to being a problematic teenager than this new responsible adult that Erika was convinced it was only a matter of time before she fell into her old habits again.

But, at the moment, she was enjoying doing what she was doing and paying her living doing liked most. Photography was her life. She loved taking pictures, framing moments and making them hers forever. Plus, her job was fun and granted her the possibility not only to travel and meet many people, but she got to do it all with her dear big brother.

The most important part of following that dream, though, was that it gave her the chance to leave Australia for good. She had followed Mark to the UK only for a few weeks now and yet she hadn’t missed home once. She was always convinced that remaining in Brisbane would have meant the withering of her. There was too much of her past there and she just knew she would have never escaped it.

But, no matter how far she travelled, there was a fear always hidden inside of her that painfully reminded her how easily she could have slipped and ruined her life again.

So easy. So tempting.

“Hey, there,”

She jumped, startled when she heard that voice so close. Erika gasped, placing a hand on her chest as her gaze distractedly lifted on the tall, slim boy approaching her.

“Sorry, mate, didn’t mean to scare ya,”

Erika focused her attention on Kyle and melted into a smile, shaking her head. “Please, don’t be sorry. I was miles away.”

He approached her with a soft smile crossing his fair features. He looked like an elf, with his sharp edges, high cheekbones and glimmering, light eyes. There was something about the boy she was attracted to like a magnet. She couldn’t explain it but she couldn’t take her attention off him either. Although she didn’t trust herself enough to let herself go in that feeling. She and boys weren’t a good match. Her past was full of bad decisions and she had no intention of making another one.

Especially with a pretty, sweet boy like Kyle seemed to be. Especially since he was so close to Mark not only as his colleague and team partner but being taken in like a little brother as well. She just couldn’t risk it.

“Can I sit?” He pointed at the chair to her side.

“Of course,” Erika nodded, trying to shake the cringe off herself. Her skin rippled in goosebumps only thinking about having him too close. She couldn’t think too clearly when he looked at her, which was just ridiculous.

He dropped his bag with his ring gear on the floor and fell heavily on the little chair distending his long legs. “So, what do you think about the show?”

“I think it was great!” Erika smiled, looking at him and damning herself for the excitement it gave her to share a moment alone with Kyle. She felt the butterflies in her stomach warming up. “That move you did,” she tried to regain focus, looking back on the ring, “off the top buckle? That was so good!”

“You think?” He wondered following her eyes to the ring. “I thought I landed badly and everyone noticed.”

“Well, if you did, I didn’t see it.” Erika didn’t mention how closely she was looking at his moves. She cleared her voice, lifting her professional camera. “I took a cool shot of your front flip mid-air, wanna see?”

“Hell yeah,” Kyle scooted closer, looking over her shoulder as she fiddled with her camera.

Erika tried her best to remain calm and not react to his closeness but it was hard. His scent was inebriating, he smelled of clean linen and lavender. It made her mouth water and her hands shake with the desire to push her face into his neck and inhale.

She shrugged off a shiver, concentrating on the dozens and dozens of pictures she was scrolling through and then smiled when she finally found the one, showing it to him from the small camera screen. “There it is. It will look a thousand times better once I develop it. But even like this, it looks pretty good.”

“Shit me,” Kyle attentively took her camera into his hands, handling it with care as he looked into the screen, examining the picture she took. “Is that how I look when I do it?”

Erika nodded. “Cool uh? You look very good.”

“Could I have a copy of the picture once you develop it?”

“Of course! I mean, I generally do give the guys I work for a hard copy and a file copy that I share with the wrestlers too. So, you’ll be good to go.”

“Can I have a look at the rest of the pictures?”

“Yes,” Erika cleared her voice, “I mean, I haven’t peaked through them so most of them will be off-focus or blurry but sure.”

As he pressed the little arrow button, starting to look at all the pictures she had taken of the evening, Erika slowly started to feel a warm feeling spread through her. She was suddenly fidgety, wondering what went on in his mind as he looked at what she could do. It was somehow intimate, showing to him. Erika’s pictures were used by companies and wrestlers alike on their socials, but no one knew it came from her, there. This felt like Kyle just had access to a very personal window of how she viewed the world.

“Wow, you are good at this,” Kyle smiled distractedly, still scrolling through her work. “These are so good.”

Erika blushed. And immediately froze, feeling panic settling in her nerves. She looked away, imposing herself to find some control over her emotions. She had never blushed before, not for a boy anyway.

“Thank you,” she pushed her hand out, hinting to him to give her back the camera. “It won’t take me long to get the pictures fixed up and printed, so you can see them once they are done.”

“Do you have a studio?” He wondered with interest stretching on the chairs by his side.

Erika shook her head. “I will in a few weeks. I am trying to get a lease on a tiny hole of an office from where I’ll be able to work. I am planning to have a proper dark room and maybe even a desk space to hire an assistant. But for now, I am doing it the old-fashioned way,”

“What’s that?”

“My laptop.” She explained shrugging, “It’s a bit of a hit or miss kind of job, sometimes it pays well, sometimes it doesn’t. But I think I can make it work better If I get access to an office space.”

“Like an investment.”

“Yes,” Erika smiled, appreciating his care to know details about her more than what she was supposed to. “Exactly that.”

“Are you coming out with us tonight?” He then wondered leaning his head to the side.

She felt his eyes on her and wanted to bask under his attention. She had never had a problem with that. Generally, she thrived when she was under the spotlight. She was a very confident young woman aware of her appearance. Maybe too much, sometimes. She had won many things, in the past, because of her pretty face. Especially hearts. She was used to having it her way, but when she decided she wanted someone there wasn’t escaping it. Except with Kyle felt different. She didn’t want to conquer him or win him over. She liked him. Not only his appearance, even though his large smile made her feel things she had never felt before. The real deal was the kindness of heart he had; he was so polite in the way he behaved, and he wore his heart on his sleeve and wasn’t apologetic about it.

Plus, he was spoiling her. Kyle made her feel seen and listened to in ways she wasn’t used to. Which said a lot about the relationships or situationships she had in the past.

And that was precisely why it was so dangerous to play with that fire and she did everything in her power to fight against it. She could see it would lead to ruin for all parties involved.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” She looked away, sadness settling in, aching in her chest.

She wanted to go. She wanted to spend some time socialising. She wanted to be around him. But precisely because he seemed to want her there, she was better off staying away from booze and pretty boys.

“What!? Really? There’s a darts tournament between the guys, sure you want to miss that? I mean not to brag, but I’d beat you at darts.” He winked.

Erika felt flushed. “I’d love that because I think I might be good a darts” she damned herself as soon as she said that, “But I have an early train in the morning. Can’t miss it.”

“Oh, I see. Well. that’s a shame,”

“Next time, maybe?”

“You are on.”

“Oi,” A deep, thunderous voice echoed through the empty venue. Both she and Kyle jumped on their seat, turning over to find Mark waiting. “Ready to go?”

Erika huffed, looking over at her brother studying them. He didn’t seem too happy and she knew why. So, even before he could say anything, she jumped up and grabbed her back and jacket, putting some distance with Kyle.

“What were you doing?” He wondered quietly once she was close.

Erika shrugged. “Nothing, we were waiting for you.”

Before he could say anything more, Kyle approached her side and the two exchanged a fist bump. Mark didn’t continue, but she could see the concern hiding in his gaze. And it hurt her.

Mark hid behind a smile as he welcomed the boy, “Hey, mate,” he was so affectionate to Kyle that it made her heartache. She was happy they met. Kyle was a good friend to her brother. But, again, that was yet another complication and another reason for her to stay as far from the Aussie as she could.

“I’m gonna head home,” she started, hinting at the door as she fixed her bag on her shoulder.

“Yeah?” Mark looked at her, “I thought you were coming to the pub?”

“Nah,” Erika shook her head. She wished she didn’t but her gaze wandered on Kyle briefly. “I am quite tired. I think it’s for the best.”

“Okay,” Mark pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead. “Grab a cab though. I don’t want you around the underground alone at this hour.”

“I’ll call one now. You boys go ahead and have fun. I’ll leave the light on in the hall for you when you come home.”

She watched them approaching the venue door. Mark pulled Kyle under his arm as they walked and they merged with some of the other wrestlers on the show that same night. A few of the boys waved goodbye at her before they left. Just then, she approached the bar counter, releasing a soft sigh.

“Hey,” she hinted at the barman cleaning up, “would you be so kind to call me a cab, mate?” She wasn’t even trying to hide her disappointment. Just thinking about all that she may be missing made her heartache. It felt like the more distance there was between her and Kyle, the more she hurt.

Pathetic. She had to snap out of that little crush and get over it. And fast.

“Sure thing, sweetheart,” he stepped towards her, “can I get you a drink while you wait? On the house,” the boy winked at her. His flirtatious behaviour bounced right off her. His charm too, didn’t bother her.

“Nah, thank you, I am good.”

She could see the barman’s interest following her movements as he leaned on the counter in front of her. He was an attractive man, sure, and she had no doubt his pretty face and that little stunt of chatting up the ladies probably got him places before. She knew it all too well. She was it too. But even though she knew well how it worked and she felt like she should have been fluttered by his attention, maybe even intrigued, it just slid off her without making her feel a thing. If not slight discomfort.

Before he could say or ask something else, Kyle ran back in, approaching her. “Hey, Erika?”

“Yes?” She immediately turned towards him, not even noticing how much her heart and body moved for the Aussie. “What is it? You ok?”

“Yes, yeah,” he nodded, sliding a hand to the back of his neck. He was blushing so sweetly it made her think about strawberries. Though his eyes were bright and sharp as he looked at her. “I was wondering, could I have your number?”

Erika choked. She knew everything wrong with that. It was the same reason why she wasn’t allowing herself to go out. It was why she avoided being around the house alone with Fletch when Mark wasn’t around. It was why she had avoided being around him in general. Except when she didn’t and fell into whatever it was that attracted them like magnets.

It was stronger than her common sense, she was nodding even before she could think straight and kept being selfish as Kyle offered her his phone for her to type her number in.

He was smiling like an idiot. Or maybe it was her.

When he got his phone back, he held it like a trophy. “Thanks,”

“Don’t tell Mark,” She suggested, probably saying the first smart thing in a minute.  

Kyle offered her the largest of smiles and then dashed off.

As he left, she felt all the warmth he brought with him leaving her body and making her feel empty.

“That little prick has balls,” the guy behind the bar chuckled.

Erika smiled, still looking at the door. “That he does.”

“So, how is it that a pretty girl like you is not going out celebrating with all those boys?”

Erika tapped her nails on the wood, starting to feel an itch under her skin. She wanted to be vague, she knew what was the polite, British way of just generally saying stuff without actually saying anything to strangers. But she was too tired for that too. Politeness hardly got her anywhere.

“Well, let me tell you,” She began, “Got a crush on that little prick,” she vaguely pointed at the door, “he is my brother’s best friend and I can’t afford to fuck that up so,” she huffed, “I am staying well clear and doing everything in my power to get over him.”

“But you just gave him your number.”

“Yes, I never said I was smart at it.”

The guy behind the bar smiled. “I’m Matt, by the way,”

“Erika,” she said as they shook hands.

“So, Erika,” he looked up at her, hitting her up with a gaze she was sure had conquered many hearts before, “Want some help forgetting about the little prick?”

The proper way was to politely decline, get a cab, go home and do her best to accept going to bed alone. That would have been the new adult, mature way to deal with the situation. She was well aware of what was expected of her. But still chose otherwise.

The comfort of her old ways, knowing exactly what would have happened and how she would have felt was much better than knowing how much she was going to be eaten up by regrets, alone, in her little room.

“What time do you get off?” She wondered melting into a smile.

She didn’t much care for the guy himself. But he offered a distraction and it seemed like a valid idea not to think about Kyle.

“Half an hour.”

She nodded and took a seat on one of the stools, “In that case, I’ll take that drink, thank you.”

February 2018

A few weeks later, Erika stood in the centre of the small room she could call an office.

The place was a little dishevelled. It was dark, cold and a little dump; the rent was overpriced, but it was hers. The walls could have done with a new touch of paint, and she was convinced the space would have looked much more welcoming and personal with pictures hanging up; the carpet seriously needed a deep cleaning, and the sad curtains by the windows needed to be retired, but she still looked at it with the most pride.

A smile crossed her lips, and her heart was leaping out of her chest as she toyed with the set of keys the agency gave her. She still didn’t feel secure enough to trust her dream coming true, but that was a pretty big step forward compared to where she had come from only six months before.

“Hey-o,” she recognised Kyle’s voice immediately as he chirped from the entrance door, “anybody in there? Erika?”

Her heart jumped out of her chest.

“Come on in!” She welcomed him, skipping back to the door where she found the Aussie. “What are you doing here?”

As soon as he saw her, he whipped out a massive smile and pulled, from behind his back, a big bunch of colourful flowers and a bottle of bubbles. “Well, I thought the situation required celebrating!” He offered her his presents.

Erika’s chest tightened as she took the flowers and brought them up so she could smell them. Then she took the bottle too, looking at it with interest. She melted into a sweet smile, immediately damning herself for what she was feeling.

Whatever tied her to Kyle only got stronger and deeper day by day. She tried to fight it. She tried to deflect and lie to herself, pretending that ignoring it all was enough to make it disappear. And yet, Kyle was constantly there to remind her how wrong she was.

She just needed to look at him to feel a magnetism pulling her towards him, making her hands tremble with the need to touch him. But it was a constant battle she fought, leaving her feeling cold and empty every time she denied herself her wish.

And yet, he kept coming. He kept being there, around her, everywhere, even when they were far from each other, she still felt him. Every day he made it a point to wish her good morning and good night. He’d ask her about her day and listen with interest to everything she had to say. He’d make her laugh. He’d give her compliments. He was just present in her life. How she wished she could say confidently they were only friends.

But friends didn’t desperately wish to kiss each other.

Thinking about that made her realise she was looking at his lips and she had to force herself off the thought.

“Thank you, Fletch, this is so sweet of you,” she looked up at him, leaning her head to the side, “I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Why did you think I asked you the address of this place?” He chuckled, “I wanted to make sure you welcomed this new chapter with the right energy.”

Erika smiled, absolutely smitten by him and his selfless, unashamed caring.

“Thank you,” before she could even think clearly and stop herself, she leaned in for a hug. Her intention was for it to be quick and polite. That was what friends did, wasn’t it? She couldn’t be further from the truth.

Kyle welcomed her with a soft hold and, by the time she wrapped her arms loosely around his waist and pressed her face into his chest, the world stopped spinning.

Erika tightened her hold around him, only for Kyle to do the same, taking the initiative to lean his chin on the top of her head, cradling her softly.

There was no salvation after that for her. Erika was toasted. Her heart was beating so fast inside her chest that she was sure he could feel it too. Her stomach twisted as warmth flooded through her, fuzzing her thoughts and waking up a hunger, a desire in her lower abdomen that would only hurt with every second she wouldn’t give into it.

“I wanted to be here for you, today,” he gave away, brushing a soft, intimate kiss on her temple.

Erika looked up at him and Kyle’s bright gaze fell into hers as he dived into her eyes. He was so close his scent was inebriating her senses. He looked so pretty she couldn’t take it.

“Did you come alone?”

Kyle nodded, “Your brother doesn’t even know I am here.”

Erika felt so dirty for lying to Mark.

They had kept a low profile, pretending nothing was going on and they hadn’t spent the past weeks texting. Sometimes they’d text from across the same room and Mark would take the piss out of Kyle for texting his “little lady”, not knowing she was the one receiving his interest. They made a little joke out of it, but Erika didn’t find it funny.

She hated shutting Mark out. He knew everything about her and could read her like a book. But he didn’t know that part. She was terrified of his reaction if he had known what was going on between her and Kyle, which was nothing. She lied to herself too, constantly. Even though the second she found herself around Kyle it was undeniable she was the most clueless of them all.

Erika gulped, looking down at Kyle’s lips again, unable not to, his mouth was so attractive to her. Especially when he was so close.

Kyle dared to cup her face in his palms. Erika sighed, closing her eyes and letting herself go in his soft hold. His hands were big and warm. And she was dying to feel them all over her.

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered, so close to her face she tasted his breath on her tongue. A hot shiver crossed her. “I like you, Erika. Been liking you a while.”

“Kyle,” she tried to find some common sense, although only the idea of refusing him ripped her chest apart. “We can’t.”

“Why?”

“Mark,” she was still holding the flowers and the bottle of bubbly in her hands, and even though she was trying to fight for her life not to succumb to him, she didn’t even dare to move an inch away. “He’d never approve.”

“Leave him to me. I am sure if there’s someone he’d like to be with his sister, that would be me.”

“No, Kyle, it’s not you the one he wouldn’t approve of. It’s me. I am not good for you,”

“Let me decide that.”

“You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me,”

“Then tell me. I want to know you.”

Erika chuckled dryly, quickly dismissing him. He would have run away, as far as possible from her if he had known half of the things she did.

“I mean it,” he continued, “I want to know everything about you.”

“You make it so hard,” she whispered, moulding herself in his hold as Kyle softly caressed her jawline.

“I am not hearing a good reason to stop.” He leaned in, brushing his lips on her forehead, “Tell me no and I’ll fuck off. But if you want it too,” as he moved, hovering above her, Erika moved her head, raising her chin only so their lips would touch. “Then,” he continued, whispering so close to her mouth it gave her goosebumps.

Before he could continue, Erika took the worst decision of her life and, dropping the flowers on the floor, she grabbed him by his t-shirt and pulled him down in a kiss, desperately clinging onto him and releasing everything she had stopped herself from feeling for so long. Selfishly taking everything she wanted from him.

Kyle blindly closed the door behind him and then his arms wrapped around her, pulling her against him. His hands ran across her body, feeling her curves, grabbing on her clothes, only to pull her tighter against him.

Unapologetically, Kyle slipped a hand into her hair grabbing a handful and made her bend underneath him, deepening their kiss. As soon as their tongues crossed and his flavour exploded into her mouth, Erika released a soft moan, feeling her body waking up completely.

However, before she could slip into deeper waters of desire and future regrets, Erika gathered the strength to push him off herself.

“Kyle, please stop,” her breath was heavy as she kept her hand on his chest, not to keep him far from her but to feel him.

“Did I do something wrong?” He wondered, checking she was ok.

Erika shook her head, trying to gather her thoughts. Because the only wrong she could identify in that entire situation was the distance between them.

She had a taste. She scratched the itch. That was going to be it. It was going to have to be enough.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. We can’t happen. Please,” her heart shattered into a million pieces seeing the look he gave her. “Please,” she whispered again, almost getting lost in his eyes.

Kyle accepted her choice and let her go, taking two steps back. He leaned picking up the flowers and passed them over to her, shrugging awkwardly. “Here, take them.”

She felt defeated as she accepted the flowers back. She couldn’t bear the idea of seeing him leave and didn’t want to accept them being done. It was supposed to be the way, just severing their little fling or whatever, but she was stupid and selfish.

“Do you want a little tour?” She wondered, hoping Kyle would indulge her.

He didn’t disappoint and melted into a gentle smile, nodding. “I’d love to.”

They held hands as she showed him around, telling him everything about how she envisioned her studio.

March 2018

Erika stood ringside, her trusted camera at hand as she watched the match through its lenses.

The crowd was hot tonight. They clapped and booed, chanted and roared and were generally super involved in the matches, which was something she always loved to see.

Erika moved around the ring, taking every occasion to grab a shot, just like she always did, capturing as much of the energy in the ring as she could.

The two boys going at it right now were new in the company, she never met them before, but that didn’t change a single thing in the way the crowd perceived them. The heel was doing his job, flipping everyone off at any given occasion only to get everyone’s boos up. And the other, being the good guy he was, was there to make him regret it every time.

How she loved wrestling. It was such a theatrical, highly athletic pantomime.

The match ended with the good guy pinning the heel. The crowd went wild. Erika too, smiled, as she kept taking her shots of the guy celebrating.

Then, as the guys cleared out and the announcer moved back to the ring, starting to explain the next match on the mic, Erika moved too towards the wrestlers’ entrance, readying her camera to capture Aussie Open’s entrance.

Of course, she was working for the wrestling company and her work needed to be equally good for all the participants in the events. But she couldn’t help herself from having favourites. The number of pictures she had taken of Kyle and her brother that she had never sold because they were candid shots of two guys and had nothing to do with wrestling was embarrassing. Especially of Kyle’s. She loved taking his pictures. But that was a secret, of course.

Still, she patiently waited there, camera at hand, kneeling to take a good shot of them coming out in their new shiny, matchy gear.

Aussie Open was announced and their music started as they rolled out, basking in the crowd's welcome.

Erika smiled behind the camera, taking her pictures as the two posed and then moved with them to the ring.

Mark and Kyle slipped through the ropes and circled the apron, looking into the room, and pointing at people in the crowd only to get a reaction. They were both talking some shit either to the crowd or to each other, fully committed to their role.

Then, as Kyle confidently strode by the corner she was hanging around, he broke character one moment to look down at her, offering her one of his sweet smiles. “Hey, baby,”

Erika took a picture of him, grabbing that moment for herself. He called her baby now. Not always, but when he did it made her feel warm all over. It was so hard for her not to reach out and touch him.

Mark approached Kyle and landed a heavy hand on his shoulder, bringing him to turn as the announcer presented their competitors. Erika moved around the ring again, towards the entrance, ready to go back to being a hundred per cent professional.

She kneeled by the crowd, exchanging a quick, polite smile with a couple of guys by her side who seemed to be enjoying the show just like everyone else. She leaned ready to take her shots.

And then Erika was stricken. Nothing could have prepared her for the frosty feeling taking over her as the heavy hand of a stranger landed on her ass, giving her an unrequired smack. She felt the stranger’s touch straight into her stomach and it made her twitch as his fingers dared to squeeze on her.

She turned quickly towards him and raised her camera, taking a shot of his face. She acted out of instinct, not thinking about the consequences. It was the only thing she could consciously think of doing. No words were coming out. Not even anger. Just pure, disgusted surprise.

“Hey,” he angrily confronted her, trying to grab her camera, “Cancel that, you bitch. I haven’t permitted you to take a picture of my face.”

She wanted to say she hadn’t permitted him to squeeze her ass either. It was on the tip of her tongue. And yet. Nothing came out.

Erika stepped away, hiding her camera behind her back, feeling something close to fear choke her as the guy stood up, ready to chase her. She truly thought he was going to hurt her.

“Hey, hey, you prick,” Kyle shouted, jumping off the ring, and intervening. By then, everyone’s attention was on what was happening there.

Mark followed Kyle as they both stepped in between Erika and the guy in the crowd, who was proud and drunk enough to face them, even when he was no match for either of the Aussies.

“I’ll break that hand of yours, you cunt,” Mark barked.

Kyle stepped in between them, shielding Erika with his body. “You ok?” He touched her face, looking down at her.

Erika didn’t refuse him. Her hands travelled to his wrists, as she moulded under his touch appreciating his closeness. “Yes,” she huffed, her eyes escaping Kyle’s as she looked back at her brother, making sure he didn’t do anything stupid. “I’m ok,” She then tapped on Mark’s shoulder, “Don’t bother,” she suggested, even though the guys seemed to be ecstatic to receive attention. “Mark? Please, leave it alone.”

“Maybe you should get her to wear something more covering. You can’t blame me.” The guy was drunk. He was mumbling his nonsense only looking for a fight and Erika hated that she didn’t want her brother to give it to him. “When they look like sluts, I say they look for it-”

There was no stopping Mark after that.

Before she could even think about trying and stop him from jumping to the guy’s throat, Kyle scooped her away, trapping her in between his arms, and protecting her. This time, she hid in between his arms, closing her eyes. She didn’t want to see what she had caused.

The crowd shouted so loudly it made her head hurt.

The announcer, from the ring called for security that came through to break the fight and to kick out the people who disturbed the show.

“I’m sorry,” she shook her head, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Kyle shook his head, kissing her forehead tenderly. “Don’t you dare to apologise,” he chanted to her ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Later on, that same evening the mood was off.

After the incident, going back to the regular flow of the show had been difficult. While Kyle and Mark were supposed the be heels and treated as such, the crowd started loving them after they displayed chivalry. Everyone kept asking her if she was ok from that point on. And she hated it. Erika just hid behind her camera the rest of the evening, pretending detached politeness, but didn’t ever move from ringside.

Now they were gathered for a drink and some late food at a local pub just around the corner from the venue where the show took place. Erika sat in her booth enjoying a plate of steaming hot chips as she watched Kyle play pool with two of the boys from the show.

When he smiled, she smiled too, wondering what had been said to make him laugh.

Mark heavily dropped himself next to her, placing his beer and a massive portion of nachos, blocking her view.

“Hey,” she welcomed him with a smile.

Mark was deadly serious. “I know something is happening between you and Kyle.”

“OK?” Erika frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t be vague with me, I’ve suspected it for a while. I see the way you two look at each other. And tonight, with the way he protected you-”

“Mark,” she huffed, rolling her eyes. “You did the same thing.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me the way you two were hugging was nothing.”

She didn’t look at him. “It was just a hug.”

“I love you. I will always love you. You know that. And believe me, it hurts me to say this. I know I’m being an ass right now, but I want you to stay away from Kyle.”

Every word that came out of Mark’s mouth slashed through her like a knife. It was a painful reminder of everything she had been, everything she had done. Everything her brother had to fix for her. Not leaving any space for the person she was desperately trying to become.

“Why?” She challenged him, gulping down her pain, and looking straight into his eyes.

“You know why. I can’t stand the idea of watching you hurt him. Because you will. Maybe not willingly. But he doesn’t deserve it all the same.”

Erika's chest ached. She looked away, trying to hide away her pain. She wanted to shout and cry and kick, but couldn’t. Somehow, she trusted her brother more than how she trusted herself. It was easier to accept that he must have been right about her. It must be like he said. She wasn’t good for Kyle and would have never been good.

“I mean it, Erika. I’d break the world for you. But I’d do the same for Kyle.”

“You are breaking me right now,” she shook her head and then looked back at him, anger flooding through her gaze, lighting her up. “You think I haven’t tried to stay away? See? I knew you’d end up telling me this and I did. Stayed as far as I could. Pretty difficult to do when we live together, travel together and work together,” Erika shrugged. “But it is as you said. I obviously can’t offer anything better to someone than failure.”

“That’s not what I meant,”

“Don’t you dare try and justify your cruelty. You said it, loud and clear. I am not good enough for Kyle. Thank you, brother, for reminding me.”

She grabbed her stuff and got up, storming out.

Something stirred inside of her. It was an old, familiar feeling of how she was used to dealing with strong emotions from before. Part of her was trying so hard to be better. But she didn’t know how when even her brother, her only anchor in that world, didn’t believe in her.

Anger and pain were easy to suppress or ignore when she was self-destructing, taking everyone else down with her in the process. 

[crimeronan]

hi!! sorry if this has been asked before but i wanted to know if u had a specific editing process? ive read before that u edited ur fics for 6-8 hours and wanted to know what those hours consisted of, technically speaking, if its not too much trouble!!

hello!!

this is a really good question. i want to do it justice but breaking down every single detail of my editing process would take a VEEEERY long time. so i'll give more of an overview

some fics have a Much more involved editing process than others. so i can walk you through what both "processes" look like, step-wise. my most involved process produces the best work but is also the most time-consuming and exhausting.

to start, though: you gotta understand my first draft process. because whenever i tell other writers about how i draft, their responses range from "that's insane" to "that's so smart" to "that's insane. again."

i don't reread anything when i draft.

and i mean Anything. i don't reread a single sentence. i don't reread my phrasing as i'm writing it. i don't even check to make sure that my sentences make sense.

i just write out the entire story as i'm hearing / imagining it in my head. whatever moments, beats, dialogue, Whatever is most important to me. i don't edit as i go, i don't look back. if i can't think of details or lose my flow, i put [add X here] and keep going.

i usually have a bullet-point outline before i draft -- that's my scribbled concept sketch. my first draft is the equivalent to the slightly less scribbly concept sketch. it takes a MAXIMUM of one-third of my entire writing time.

the other two-thirds (or more!) are editing.

so basically. editing is where i reread what i wrote, identify weak spots and pacing issues, revise my dialogue, improve my metaphors, bulk up my imagery..... it's like doing all of the painstaking lining and coloring and shading of a very involved art project.

with my Most involved editing process, i open a new document beside the first draft. i write an entire second draft from scratch, using my first document as reference. that lets me keep all the important beats, rearrange stuff, go more in-depth with detail, etc. THEN i reread that second draft and do all of my fussing.

with my less involved editing process, i just reread and edit the first draft instead of creating an entire second draft. i also do fewer editing passes.

(the involved process includes editing the whole document once, putting it down for a few hours, then starting over from the beginning and editing the Edited Version all over again.)

it might be easier for me to show you the differences in fic quality, for you to get a sense of how the editing process affects things.... rather than trying to describe exactly what i look for / change / do / etc.

so. here's three recent (ish) toh fics

humans are friends. AND food - no editing.

why did love put a gun in my hand (and all other parts of this series) - basic first draft editing.

what we are is the sum of a thousand lies - 2 to 3 full drafts per chapter, 3 to 5 editing passes per chapter, ~30,000 words of outtakes beyond that.

with that vampire AU fic (#1), you can see that it's short, it's quick, it's silly and fun. it's not emotionally deep. it doesn't make much sense. it's very clearly based on Vibes instead of a fully considered story.

the princess luz fic (#2) is Significantly more involved. the increased detail here is partially because this is a horror series instead of a stupid humor romp, but the principle is the same.

all of luz's internal narration about her fear, the pacing of her interactions and confrontations with belos n hunter alike, the ugly body horror and the way she comforted the dying grimwalker... that's all from the editing process. the bare bones were there in my first draft, but my edits were where i got to make things Effective.

basically, i wrote the horror story the way i saw it in my mind. and then during the edit, i could ask questions like - what would make this worse? what is she really afraid of? what is the most LUZ reaction that she could have in this situation? what's the most effective way to show the differences between this luz and canon luz, and the similarities? etc etc etc. all those little details!

then you have wwaitsoatl. which is by Far the most energy-intensive fic i've ever written. that's part of why updates are so sporadic despite there being well over a thousand subscribers at the moment (FAR more than any of my other fics have ever had).

the reason that this fic requires so many drafts and editing passes is because of the sheer complexity of the characterization. the plot is pretty generic, as toh fics go - hunter gets kidnapped away from the castle and learns how to be loved, this fic has been written 100000 times before in 100000 different ways by 100000 different authors.

BUT. every single one of the four narrators in this particular story is unreliable in different ways. every single one has different priorities, motivations, baggage, feelings, levels of emotional intelligence. all four of them are in massive conflict with one another.

the conflicts Between the characters are similarly complicated, so i have to spend a LOOOONG time on all of the dialogue & interactions. these guys do a LOT of projecting, and arguing, and talking at cross-purposes, and making incorrect assumptions, and lying, and obfuscating, and on and on and on. clear communication is basically impossible.

the internal narration also requires a similar level of care. hunter and darius in particular have incredibly challenging POVs to write because all of their narration is tied up in denial, self-delusion, and facades.

hunter's nightmares, cognitive dissonance, and slow breakdowns take Hours And Hours And Hours to get right. same goes for darius's feelings and the things he says and the things he Doesn't say. i literally study every single individual sentence and rewrite it like 15 times, then study every individual paragraph and rewrite and rearrange them like 15 times. and if a scene isn't working, i cut it entirely, even when that adds up to 30,000 words of outtakes.

it's my most ambitious fic by a longshot and i'm confident in saying it's my best work to date. but hoo boy, it is WORK.

so. that's my editing process, basically! and how my editing process changes my final product.

[ceilingfan5]

20 Questions for fic writers

Tagged by @holdmecloser-gandydancer

tagging you, the person reading this and wishing someone tagged you, yes you, i mean it

1. How many works do you have on A03?

total? 73. TAZ? 37. oh man. palindrome

2. What's your total A03 word count? 703,033 baby ive been here for Ten Years

3. What fandoms do you write for?

recently taz. before that, aftg, haikyuu!! etc. but man it has been taz for a While

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

OF TAZ WORKS (all my top 5 are old old) 1. Sticker Stars (of course) 2. Run Away With Me 3. Rub This On Your Body 4.Little Shop of Horny and 5. Apply Directly to the Forehead (one of my first taz fics!!) all of those make sense as contenders but i am surprised revenge plus one is #8

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i................have to be honest..........................................i'm so...sorry............

[id: a screenshot of "Inbox (3402)" indicating no, no I do not]

(please understand this is from years and years and years and years)

i pretty much only reply if i am directly asked a question i have an answer to or it makes me cry in a good way....not because i'm an asshole or because i don't appreciate them!!!! comments mean truly so much to me!! i just don't know what to say besides thank you, so i usually write an emphatic thank you on each chapter and hope people know i mean it.... please don't think i don't care...please............. i care so much

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

we don't do that here

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

“But like,” words fall out of Taako’s mouth before he can stop them. “Live your life, dude, go a little nuts, feel like a whole person, give me $200, participate in the universe, get your back blown out on demand, fucking-” he laughs. “Have a collection, experience joy, buy a cat, get diagnosed with autism, fall in love-”

“What was that last part??” 

if that (from revenge plus one) isn't a happy ending what is (i'm hoping the people who care enough to read a post like this have either read it already or are going to go. oh my god i have to read revenge plus one tonight)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no and if i did i would block and delete em, there's no time for that. fuck em. this is a joy pursuit (i would cry though. don't. what the hell. just close the tab like a normal person. someone MADE THAT.)

9. Do you write smut?

oh baby DO I

i do intend to write some more publishable stuff soon. most of my personal stuff has gotten Way Too Weird. but look out for some horny supervillain taakitz soon if thats your cup of hot chocolate with too many marshmallows in it 👀👀👀👀

10. Do you write crossovers?

sorry i am obsessed with one thing at a time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

hope not! if so i cast a billion death spiders on them. smooch. partake in the joyous act of baring your soul via dumbfucks yourself, coward

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

once, i think? im not sure they finished

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

absolutely, some of my best stuff was originally rp!!! i am so sorry @holdmecloser-gandydancer @noodyl-blasstal for not continuing some super exciting projects, my brain is electric soup and my life is a circus. someday. someday we will play again. i must believe

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

if you did not expect taakitz i have 29+ fics you should read

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

everything is possible until you give up. so who knows!!!!!!!!!!! it sure does help to know there are people that will still read things if and when they are ever finished though

16. What are your writing strengths?

VOICE! dialogue. fun

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

planning fucking ahead

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

caution necessary but i mean live your life, just be aware of the err of google translate

19. First fandom you wrote for?

on ao3? wtnv

before that? squints. maybe homestuck or............no it was shakespeare

man. fuck

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

revenge plus one, probably, i miss living in it

nothing says passion like 90k and baby's first adhd medication!!!!!!!!!

really though please go read it. if you have 90k worth of attention and time and interest

also hey? in general? if you read this far? keep writing. and enjoy it. self indulgence isn't just nice, it's what makes life worth living. make for you, and then the comments and appreciation are bonus. snare a few friends in your web and you're living, baby

keep reaching for the stars

[spearxwind]

been thinking a lot about my different oc worlds recently. ive said before ive got four, but technically it's five if you count extinction.

im gonna put all my thoughts under a readmore bc once again this got insanely long jkllkjjkf. i be rambling

most of my attention has definitely been going into challenger deep the past year (and will likely continue), recently i refurbished hollowridge as well and have had a lot of fun with it (even if i havent drawn much to show for it...)

the other two of the set of four i originally posted about are my agony drive and broken horizon settings. Broken horizon is more of a personal headworld where ive set my dragon ocs, but I have not really been successful with it in terms of like. worldbuilding and crafting a story for it, mostly because there are very few characters in it currently and i struggle with it. But it's the world where cercerion and my sona dima (as an oc) exist. i would love to actually do a better job with it sometime but it currently isnt a huge priority because ive been focused on the other two main ones (but again since its just a personal headworld it literally is just some place i like to mentally hang out and fly around in, im not super bothered by it being undeveloped.)

However we have the two troublemaker worlds now

the agony drive setting has been driving me more than a little nuts because of its whole situation with it. i absolutely adore the characters i have in it, but i have no idea what to do with the world itself. it used to be a joint project so i was extremely limited in the way i could develop it bc i depended on the other individual enjoying the ideas and i did my best to keep it afloat almost being the sole contributor to it, so now that its liberated i just didnt know what to do with it. i do like a bunch of the lore bits i came up with but some part of me is like 'idk if i enjoy this as a world' bc it still feels limited in some way? Another issue is that while hollowridge (previously my horror and slapstick gore setting with demons/angels/magic vibes) was dead in the water, i channeled that violence slapstick demon/magic vibe through TAD, but getting a focus back on hollowridge has kinda just. straight up deleted a bunch of TAD's reason to exist? i dont know if that makes sense

HR isnt really that much slapstick violence because death is final, and TAD is more cartoony in that sense bc death ISNT final which is its main reason to exist (unlimited violent major character death for the funnies), but theres a weird overlap that is keeping me from focusing correctly because it makes my brain go 'you are doing the same thing twice'

I would really really love to actually turn it into something fun and unique (separate from my other worlds) but i really havent been sure how to go about it because of that overlap. i genuinely think its just a problem of 'you have to actually develop the setting to have fun in it' and i just havent been able to do that yet bc i cant decide what i want it to BE. TAD has also never really had a lot of story to begin with so it makes things harder bc the story is the vehicle to explore the world with. its pretty frustrating bc midas set and david are some of my fav ocs ive made and i miss them but god dammit if it isnt hard to actually work with the whole thing....

and last but not least... the fifth one. extinction. a lot of you probably know this one from my comic. if youve been here since like... 2014-2015 (which would be insane) you might remember me beginning to develop that story until it eventually became the comic that is currently sitting unfinished and feels like a huge weight on my shoulders just out of sheer shame

the issue with extinction is that it was a lot of characters that i deeply loved (and still i still deeply love!!) all with fun plotlines, backstories, and a lot of fun tidbits to em that i ended up bending and breaking dozens of times just for the purpose of fitting them into a relatively short story that i could draw out and finish. and more importantly into something i hoped would be handleable instead of spiralling out of control like it had happened before

but what i didnt realize is that by doing so, i "locked" their lore in place into these very small boxes that would fit into a story, and thus i would remove what i had loved about those characters and their interactions that i had come up with years and years ago and a lot of my very very cool ideas for them simply went out the window in favor of .... well i dont. know. but off it went

i live in complete shame for not being able to finish the comic. it genuinely is a huge and extremely heavy weight on my shoulders and this whole thing has prevented me from even thinking of said ocs for years now even though they are some of my oldest and most beloved. saying all of this is not something i take lightly in the least as well

so recently I have been thinking about bringing them back as well... maybe (to the extent that i can... i have a lot of ocs and you guys know i have a lot of bias when drawing faves. so i cant guarantee content but at least i would be able to think about them again).

essentially the same way that i rewrote and got back my old concepts for hollowridge that slapped hard i want to get back my original ideas for extinction that i thought were really cool and just wasnt able to fit into a comic narrative

obviously this would come with a lot of retconning and i know a lot of people will probably not like it if i do it and i think thats something i have to face and learn to live with

but yeah anyways. TLDR is i really want to actually do something proper for TAD but have been having a lot of trouble with it unfortunately, but im working on it. and ive also been feeling rly nostalgic about extinction so you might see the characters again, albeit different in terms of story from what you probably know

[afterthesequels]

MEET OUR BEN & REY --- Star Wars: The Chosen One (Episode X) Fan Film

Actors Madeleine Norton and Daniel Davenport play the main leads of Rey and Ben Solo, respectively, for our up and coming FAN FILM TRILOGY (once again, not official!) set to release in December 2024! And with them we also have OUR Poe Dameron, Norra Wexley, Wedge Antilles, and Darth Zanos/Cal Kestis --- respectively, Tony Rescigno, Donna Heffernan, Charles Wilson, and Kyle Bargoot.

Maddie comes from an classical acting pedigree, having done theater for the majority of her young years and she graduated with a bachelors degree in fine arts for drama. As a classically trained actress, she also brings many accents to the project, perfectly capturing the voice of Rey. She's as close to Daisy Ridley as we could get and she has a passion for the character that we love. And she's about the nicest person we've ever met, too!

Daniel is a complete contrast to Maddie, but the two compliment each other so well and have amazing chemistry in these roles. He's brand new to this field, only having done a few voice acting projects prior. But we can absolutely tell you that Daniel is a diamond in the rough and we intend to see him through as his "acting family" for the rest of his life. His voice is so perfect for Ben Solo! We love him and we're sure you'll love him too!

We're also so excited to tell the love story of Norra Wexley and Wedge Antilles which most folks haven't been privy to as their story was mainly told in the trilogy of novels called, "Aftermath". Wedge is an iconic original trilogy character and his story really gets fleshed out in those books and it deserves to be seen on the screen. These two were friends for decades and then after the tragic death of Norra's husband, they finally find each other much much later in life. Donna and Charles are Off-Broadway stage actors who have been friends for decades. Charles brought Donna into the project. He said she was perfect for it, and he was 100% percent right. We only auditioned 1 Norra, and Donna was it. As best friends IRL they bring great chemistry to their roles. Wait until you hear them guys! And because Maria has a deep love for all things Poe Dameron, she wanted to tell the story of the tumultuous love affair he had, that started as teenagers, with the formidable Zorii Bliss. That little Spice Runner burned her name across his heart and he has carried that torch for the better part of over a decade, as told in the canon novel, "Poe Dameron: Free Fall". Our Zorii could not join us on this day, but we have the incredible talent that is Tony Rescigno, a film and voice actor who most recently voiced characters in the Diablo IV video game who now takes on the task of Poe Dameron. Lastly we couldn't leave this pair out of "The Lovers Chat" showcase because well, Maria is heavily involved in the video game industry as CEO and President of The Last Prophecy Gaming, Inc. Her work within this franchise is well known and she holds a special place for Cal Kestis and of course also for that sly, revengeful little nightsister, Merrin. And yes, Cal and Merrin will cameo in our fan trilogy, starting with Episode 11, and Cal will be a Grandmaster Jedi by this timeline, and quite old... with children and grandchildren of his own. Hybrid children (half Dathomirian, half Human) with his beloved wifey! Bet they'll have some lessons to teach Ben and Rey, well all of them, we are sure.

Like Dan, Kyle is also pretty new to acting and has only served a few projects here and there. We loved him so much, we gave him two roles --- that is the brooding apprentice to Darth Maladi, Darth Zanos and the big one, Cal Kestis.

So REJOICE #REYLOS --- we're bringing you guys the happy ending that #BenSolo and #Rey deserved, PLUS more love-filled stories to fawn over because Star Wars is full of them!

Stay tuned! And please remember to SUBSCRIBE to our YouTube channel:

[luckylolabug]

Tagged by the lovely @starwritingbri <3 <3 1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently 17, after I yoinked some down. We won't talk about how many WIPs I have that aren't posted haha.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 150,958

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Uhh, multifandom girlie here so. Lockwood & Co, the DCU, Yuri on Ice, I currently have a folder of Six of Crows stuff getting ready for Whumptober but they're not posted yet, sometimes I one off and write stuff for Star Wars or TAZ: Balance. Ive got a big project going for Heartstopper that isnt posted yet, and I have a secondary account for MHA stuff lol. Also some joint stuff for FMA with Bri eventually!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In So Many Words- Yuri!!! on Ice

Sorry, This Page Cannot Be Reached- Yuri!!! on Ice

Slow Dancing in the Dark- Lockwood and Co

Barrels and Bootlegging- Lockwood and Co

Shimmer in the Haze of Winter Lawns- Lockwood and Co

5. Do you respond to comments?

For the most part, yes! I can get behind on them a bit, but I do try and keep up with them because the support is important to me.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't write a TON of angst??? But I want to say Heaven is Not Fit to House a Love Like You and I just for the context. Ask me again once I get my Whumptober stuff up in October and that's going to change, though.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of the stuff I write has happy endings! It's hard to pick just one?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Unfortunately. Weirdly, most of the fandoms I've dabbled in that have reps for being "the worst" have been the nicest to me as far as fics go, but I've gotten some very nasty comments on things for certain fandoms that don't have that kind of reputation. Fan culture is weird. I wish I could say it doesnt affect me buuuuut. There's a reason I stepped back from writing so much L&C and tend to drift with other fandoms more now.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have a few times, and I'm not like. Directly opposed to it? But it's not really my Jam a good 99% of the time and honestly I prefer just keeping most of my stuff Fade to Black or vague and not in depth if it comes up. I like focusing more on other stuff, but I don't think smut is bad either!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not as far as I'm aware. I have like. Some AU type stuff thats "This world but with these characters" but its not a direct crossover where the characters from multiple universes interact. I guess unless youre counting the DCU as a whole but??? Lol?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

To my knowledge, no? But it could have been, I guess.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! But I'd be cool with it! My mom helps me with Spanish in a few things for the Heartstopper project I have going since she's fluent, but those are just a few lines.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not anything POSTED, but eventually that'll change!

14. What is your all-time favorite ship?

Y'all, I am in too many fandoms for this lol. I don't know that I even HAVE an all-time fav that shoots above the rest? I have favs in fandoms, but not as a whole????

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Uhhhhh. Probably Barrels and Bootlegging??? I hate even putting this out there but fandom politics and the amount of BS just was draining the hell out of me when I was working on stuff so I don't even really have any plans to go back to finishing any of my stuff for L&C at this point. I'm happier writing other places, right now!

16. What are your writing strengths?

uHHHHHH???? Bri says its details, so I guess that? Putting details into everything?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

All of them. LOL. No, but honestly, I struggle with the editing process most because I think I end up re-writing things a good 5 or 6 times before I decide its fine and even then I struggle after stuff is posted just because I want to try so hard to keep things cohesive and correct. I spend way too much time Googling shit that shouldnt even really matter, but the small things matter to ME.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

The only thing I've really done it with is throwing in some stuff in Spanish, and I was only okay with that because my mom is fluent and offered to look it over for me to make sure it was correct. Otherwise I'm like.....Google Translate is inaccurate a lot and the idea of putting something in a fic that could be WRONG freaks the hell out of my OCD and I can't do it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh, jeez. Uhh. Honestly it was either ATLA or the Halo games? I don't fucking know, it was pretty mid 2000s. I still have my log in for FF.net and LiveJ but I dont really want to go look because Im sure I'll hate it.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

This feels like a shit answer because it's not POSTED YET. But I really have been eating up everything I've written so far for this "Six of Crows but make it Modern" thing thats sitting at about 40k words right now. So probably that??? If its one that I have POSTED, then I think it's probably one of the 5+1s I did for Yuri on Ice just because those were really fun and light. I'm TERRIBLE at tagging people so uh. @fluffypinkkitties @twiilys and @chibiosaka I guess????